The Meg - Review

Imagine the scene. Richard Dreyfus, LL Cool J, Dr. Evil and Jason Statham sat around the table aboard the Orca.
Dreyfus tells them of a 25ft Great White he encountered off the coast of Cape Cod.
LL Cool J replies “I got that beat. Genetically enchanced super sharks”
Dr. Evil gesticulating wildly: “Sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads”
The Stath slams his fist down on the table. “Shut it you muppets” *points to himself* “Megalodon. Single handed”.
It might sound like one of the OTT boasts from Statham’s character in Spy but it is the streamlined plot description of The Meg.
Which is why it is so frustrating that the movie is such a toothless disappointment.
The megalodon-sized portion of the blame must be aimed squarely on the decision to change the production from a R-Rated tongue-in-cheek horror a la Piranha 3D, to a P3-13/12A action film. Removing all the potential gore and violence results in huge shark-bite sized chunks missing in the narrative.
It actually feels like two films stitched together. The first half is a story of redemption for Jason Statham’s deep sea rescue diver who is tasked with rescuing the crew of a brand new oceanic marine base of the coast of Shanghai.
It is only during the second half that we meet the eponymous Megalodon. Using the disaster movie formula, the audience have already been introduced to a veritable smorgasbord of shark bait in the form of stock stereotypes on board the base including level-headed boss, arrogant billionaire financier, geeky techies, potential love interest and cute/annoying child.
We all know that they are there to provide a tasty snack or three for the Meg, which is why it is disappointing that, spoilers ahead, so many of them survive until the final reel. Particularly as their characterisation is lost at sea.

There are too many periods of inactivity where we are left treading water when just like Jonas (and Dory) you need to "just keep swimming, just keep swimming". To paraphrase Alvy Singer in Annie Hall, "A movie, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark."
It also suffers from being mis-marketed with the majority of the trailers focusing on the potential carnage of the shark stalking the open waters and attacking a busy beach of swimmers but this actually only covers a very small percentage of the film.
At least the film does what The Grey could not and that is deliver on the promise of man vs beast and have The Stath face off against a giant shark. Unfortunately it is a case of too little too late and not enough to snatch victory from the Jaws of defeat.
Statham's charisma works overtime to keep the movie afloat but it is seriously lacking bite. It certainly isn’t Jaws. Hell, it isn’t even Jaws IV: The Revenge!
The Meg doesn’t so much jump the shark as bellyflop instead.

2 stars

The Expendables 3 - review

The Expendables line up features John Rambo, Rocky Balboa, The Terminator, Conan, John Matrix, Ivan Drago, Indiana Jones, Han Solo, Martin Riggs, Mad Max, El Mariachi, Blade and, err, Frasier Crane.

What do the action stars made famous by playing these characters have in common?

Sadly it is that in terms of modern day box office, they are expendable.

None of them have been able to generate a box office hit on their own in quite some time and even with their powers combined they still can't generate that much of an audience.

Much of the "plot" of The Expendables 3 can be seen as a reaction to Hollywood's treatment of the action genre (it begins with rescuing Wesley Snipes from prison for "tax evasion", Stallone decides his team is "getting too old for this shit" and replaces them with a bunch of new kids).

The problem with the film is that instead of rallying against the changes, it embraces them.

The first two films were not very good but at least they were unashamed in their attempts to bring back the hardcore, ultra-violent action films of the Eighties and early Nineties where you would kill a man in cold blood then throw out a cool one-liner.

Here the cast recycle and shoehorn in tenuous links to old catchphrases (Arnie shouts "Get to da choppa!") and the (financial) decision to cut the film for a 12A/PG-13 has completely neutered the action sequences.

Back in 1985, at the climax of Commando Arnold Schwarzenegger single-handedly dispatches 81 people in typically bloody Eighties fashion.

During the final shoot out in The Expendables 3, this body count is probably eclipsed but due to the lack of blood and injury detail instead of being an exciting coherent fight scene is turned into a spectacle that is as ridiculous as the scene in Hot Shots Part Deux where a shoot-out keeps a running total of it exceeding the body count from various movies.

This is compounded by an issue that has been growing ever since the first film and this involves minor *spoilers*.

The biggest irony of The Expendables group is that despite the name, none of them have actually been "expended". No wonder the group is so old, Stallone has never had to replace anybody. Even if someone is shot and injured, the audience fully expects them to turn up at the end to share drinks with the crew. There is just no tension or suspense in the fight scenes.

Recent films like The Raid, The Raid 2 and Snowpiercer have show that it is possibly to make quality (if not commercially successful) R-Rated action movies and the action flows so much better when you are not having to cut out blood or breaking limbs every two seconds.

They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks and Stallone should have known better than to try and reinvent the franchise wheel. Terrible as an action film but worth seeing if only for the moment when Stallone managed to say "I Am The Hague" with a straight face... then again it could just have been the effects of Botox.

2 stars