Monday, 17 November 2014

Nativity 3: Dude Where's My Donkey? - review

It is important when attending the movies to be able to suspend your disbelief.

For example, and very topical, let's look at science fiction epic Interstellar. The key is in the description. Science "fiction" not science fact. Therefore it is relatively silly and petty to get hung up on various aspects of the "science" of the movie.

However it probably helps if the movie you are watching is engaging and entertaining.

Unfortunately, the film being watched was Nativity 3: Dude Where's My Donkey? which centred around the third visit to St. Bernadette's School, home classroom helper Mr. Poppy and some unnamed children.

This school features a teaching position even more of a poisoned chalice than the Defence Of The Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts. In three films they have from Dr. Watson to Doctor Who to, er, Doc Martin.

This time round the "plot" centres around the kids competing in a flashmob competition to win a trip to New York to reunite Clunes's Mr. Shepherd with his fiancée (Catherine Tate) after he loses his memory after being kicked in the head by a donkey.

Beyond thoughts such as "does anyone actually do flashmobs anymore?" or is this still 2012, the answer to the question of "why is there a teenage girl with braces in a class of primary school children?" (answer - it's the director's daughter), "why is there no resolution to the issue of the school inspection which is mentioned every ten minutes?" and the endless pondering about where the hotel interiors were filmed and it was certainly no hotel that exists in New York City, the end result was full of terrible song and dance numbers that it was impossible not to spend the majority of it making a mental list of all the many, many things which would not have happened due to logistical and bureaucratic red tape:

  • A local doctor's advice for memory loss is not a trip to hospital for a scan but for the kids to recreate Christmas for him

  • Taking a group of children on a day trip to London to compete in a competition would require permission letters going out to parents several weeks in advance

  • Celia Imrie is the worst headmaster ever as she has no idea that several of her teaching staff and children are missing from school for several days

  • The school would undoubtably be shut down and Mr. Poppy arrested once parents found out there children are missing and in another country without their permission

  • Given the incredibly thorough and strict security screening procedures at airports it is completely unbelievable that they would be able to steal someone else's passports and tickets and get on the plane. They certainly would not get through customs and Immigration at JFK

  • Despite checking in to the interior of an English country hotel, of course it is check out the size of the bedrooms, there is no way that a NYC hotel would have space for 10-15 children with only two accompanying adults and even if they did, who is paying for them?

  • Given quarantine rules, there is no way that the donkey would make it to NYC in time for the finale, yet alone get up to the top of the Empire State Building

  • Finally, there is not enough room to perform a flashmob at the top of the Empire State

  • I might be accused of having no Christmas spirit and "Bah Humbug" but Nativity 3 is so bad that the least of its problems is a sub-title that refers to a stoner comedy that 99% of the target audience will never have seen.

    An awful film that features one donkey but an entire manger full of asses!

    1 star

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