Thursday, 13 May 2010

Your Man In Cannes - Day 1

So yesterday was the official start of the 63rd Cannes Film Festival and yours truly is here to provide you with the hot gossip and reviews from the Palais and Croisette until Sunday when I sadly have to return to the UK and a Con/Dem Nation... I'm gone for 24 hours and looks what happens!

Finally arrived to Cannes on Tuesday evening after a nervous couple of days thanks to the return of thhe Ash Cloud, but thankfully it buggered off in time for me to get my flight.
Was shocked to arrive to some rather disappointing weather, it was nicer in Aberdeen when I left! After heading to the Palais to collect my festival pass, an absolute necessity to do ANYTHING, I met up with Sam and Louise to head out to the caravan site where we are based for the next two weeks,
The first evening was more like T In The Park than Cannes with a compact caravan, communal showers and toilets, poor weather, mud and neighbours who play their music really loud!
Didn't do much after a long day of travel as I was very tired but we watched a bundle of short films to decide what to screen from the van on Thursday evening once it arrives.

Woke up on Wednesday and after quickly braving the communal shower area, it was on the bus into the centre of Cannes to get the impact of the festival in full swing.
The weather was vastly improved with not a cloud in the sky... it does mean however that I will return home a hideous shade of lobster red!
Although the premiere of Robin Hood is the official 'opening film' of the festival, there were screenings taking place all day in the various screening rooms across town.
We ventured to a screening of TRASH HUMPERS by Harmony Karine, the director of GUMMO.
Two things were blatantly clear by the end of the screening:
1 - That the festival is biased towards celebrities and film buyers.
We arrived for the film in plenty of time but had to wait in case there were any 'buyers' who needed to see the film i.e. people more important than you. Essentially we were just "meat in the room", although I would like to think that I was at the very least a nice piece of tit meat.
2 - They show a hell of a lot of shit in Cannes!
Mini review of TRASH HUMPERS to follow but just by walking around the Marche du Film, there are so many bad looking films seeking a distribution deal that you could fill your entire festival watching straight-to-dvd releases starring Danny Dyer (in a movie called Devil's Playground where he kills zombies by "cutting their face") and Vinnie Jones.
I will endeavour to take photos of the best 'worst' film poster and blog about them at the end of the festival.

Imagine a Jackass or Bo Selecta sketch that was mildly amusing for 5 minutes but then stretched out over 80 minutes and you have the idea.
4 actors dressed up as old people literally hump trash, break stuff, and generally be rude and crude in a 'discovered home video'.
An awful film that might have been trying to spoof Redneck culture, there are other characters in the film who may or may not be real including a bigotted racist, but really doesn't have much to say.
I would have preffered a movie about people who hump trash trying to deal with their condition.
There were several walkouts during the film but apparently this is normal because people nip in and out to go to meetings, etc but I think a lot of them were to do with the quality of the film!

After the screening I headed to UK Film Pavilion to score some free Wi-Fi which turned out to be incredibly slow due to so many people using it. On the plus side I'm sure I saw Kaya Scodelario from Skins and Moon sitting at the next table.
The afternoon was spent wandering around Cannes to soak in the atmosphere before having the biggest pizza in the world.
The actual Cannes In A Van eventually arrived at midnight so finally got to meet Andy and Si who run the van. Quick chat before bed because they had been driving for 24 hours and needed sleep. I'm also up early to try and score a ticket for WALL STREET 2 tomorrow morning.

Au revoir for now.

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