Early Man - review

One minute into Nick Park's new Aardman animation Early Man, a meteor hits the Earth killing off the dinosaurs yet leaving cavemen alive and miraculously unharmed with a football shaped meteorite to covet and play games with.
Not only does that meteor wipe out two dinosaurs (revealed in the end credits to be called Ray and Harry, in one of the film's few deft touches) but any chances of a fish-out-of-water storyline where a Stone Age Caveman must struggle to interact with the dawning of a new Bronze Age are also gone in sixty seconds.
For Early Man is actually nothing more than a prehistoric tribute to the Beautiful Game. It's no coincidence that the film lasts 90 minutes, the same length as a match.
Even if the takeaway from the first couple of minutes could be that the only people interested in football are neanderthals, it is clear that Park has an affection for football. One can even deduce his favourite team is probably Arsenal given that the characters who is the most proficient at the sport is called Goona.
There was certainly huge potential here. The primitive Stone Age vs the wealth of the Bronze Age in a match for the valley? It's an underdog story as strong as Leicester City's in the Premiership.
An early scene in the Bronze Age market with shops like Flint Eastwood and food stalls like Jurassic Pork showcased gags are sharp as flint and potential for jokes about the early men adapting to this new age but they are shown the red card in a game of two halves in favour of tropes such as training montages and bad sports puns as tired and old as the savages playing the game.
Talented voices like Tom Hiddleston (doing his best French Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail) give it their best shot but they are in a league of their own and let down by a script that is second division at best.
Aardman had a open goal in front of them. Instead Early Man is sent for an early bath!

1 star

Mr. Turner - review

Going in to Mr. Turner, expectations were high. Everyone was talking about this seeing this "masterpiece".

Coming out, it felt like I had looked at the Mona Lisa and just seen a painting of a woman with a funny smile.

Art is subjective and so is the criticism. Where some see amazing works of art, others see splodges of paint.

Where some see a "masterclass" in Timothy Spall's portrayal of JMW Turner, I see a man lumbering around like Toad Of Toad Hall, issuing more grunts than the US Marine Corps.

It is undeniable that the film, like Turner's paintings, is beautiful to look at (although perhaps not during the scene where Spall is seen rutting away with his housekeeper up against a bookcase), but may simply be a case that I just don't "get it".

3 stars

The Love Punch - review

The Love Punch is the latest in an ever-growing series of films that are targeting the "Silver Screen" crowd. Over 50's who appreciate the work of, among others, the triumvirate of Dames Dench, Mirren and Smith.

Thompson is not as old as them but is laying the groundwork here in a film that continues Pierce Brosnan's impressive streak of only appearing in movies that offer him a free sunny holiday and like Le Weekend featuring people proving that there's life in the old dog yet.

Only problem is that this film is a complete dog's dinner.

Playing out like an Ocean's Twelve Minutes Past Bedtime it features Brosnan, Thompson, Timothy Spall and Celia Imrie more concerned with getting punch drunk in the sunshine than delivering a decent, enjoyable caper flick.

The tagline is "You can't pinch a diamond without stealing a few hearts" but you can still call a spade a spade cause there is no ace in the pack and this joins the club of 2014's 1 star movies.

Safe to say I'd rather be Donkey Punched than watch The Love Punch

1 star