The Zero Theorem - review

The plot of Terry Gilliam's The Zero Theorem centres on Christoph Waltz's character trying to prove "The Zero Theorem" in that 0 = 100% i.e. if nothing equals everything then everything also equals nothing and that this life and the universe is everything and nothing all at the same time therefore meaningless.

This is certainly true of the film because it is everything that Terry Gilliam is (unique, eccentric, baffling, odd, quirky, full of ideas, incomprehensible, frustrating) and also nothing, in that it is a truly awful film that will be seen as truly pointless and inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.

1 star

Under The Skin - review

Warning, this review discusses some scenes that contain minor spoilers so it is best read with prior knowledge of the film.

The Urban Dictionary definitions for the phrase "under the skin" are as follows:

1. when you meet someone and you're drawn to them. you can't stop thinking about them even when you don't know them. something about them just sparks something down deep. your imagination starts to run wild and you're physically and emotionally altered. they fascinate you

2. someone really pisses you off. they said something and you can't ignore it so you have to say something to defend yourself and your feelings. it makes you mad and almost at a loss for words. some rubs you the wrong way

Both of definitions will be equally applicable to Jonathan Glazer's new film Under The Skin.

There are some who will declare it a masterpiece while others will say it is the worst thing they have ever seen. It will become 2014's Only God Forgives in terms of splitting audience opinion.

My first reaction to the same as the one I had for Only God Forgives which was I wasn't exactly sure what I had just seen but I knew I had to see it again.

So that's exactly what I did.

Initially Under The Skin is a rather undefinable viewing experience.

The film begins with 2001-esque visuals before following Scarlett Johansson driving round Glasgow with hidden cameras as she hunts for young, single men to lure back to her place where Mica Levi's haunting score and siren's call leads them to their demise in a nightmarish sequence.

Sure people use names like Kubrick, Roeg, Lynch to try and explain the use of visuals and surrealism but Glazer has crafted a completely unique piece of filmmaking that turns the ambiguity factor all the way up to 11 and allows for endless theorising about the plot, motives and true nature of Scarlett Johannson's character.

It's upon the second viewing that, ironically, you start to get under the skin of the film.

Is the woman the biker picks up at the beginning of the film Scarlett Johansson's predecessor? Who is the biker? Is he the bodyguard of the female siren? Are they prone to curiosity and empathy?

When the film changes course and the alien goes on a voyage of self-discovery, it was slightly jarring first time round but feels completely natural on repeat viewing.

Where initially all she sees are targets and victims, the longer she carries out her task the more she begins to see life.

There are two montages of people wandering round the city. The first is shot in a cold, harsh manner but the second time round the people slowly give way to a gold shimmering light and from the ugliness of life comes beauty.

They say the eyes are the window to the soul and the eyes play an important role in the film.

Her eyes are initially cold and blank, the "uncanny valley effect" so to speak where CGI is unable to recreate the sparkle and life inside the eye. The biker checks her over at one point and pays close attention to her eyes, perhaps checking for any glimmer of "life", and following her encounter with the man suffering from neurofibromatosis sees something different and new in her eye that sparks the natural evolution of her character and the movie into something completely alien... to her at least.

And this evolution is perfectly realised by Scarlett Johansson in her finest performance to date.

There is a blankness to her gaze and she can shift between fake flattery to cold indifference in the blink of an eye which makes her the perfect spider-like predator as she weaves her seductive web to ensnare horny young Glaswegians.

Later she has a childlike innocence and curiosity as she tries to experience human life which include wonderful moments as tension builds over a mouthful of Black Forest gateau or her utter bemusement at watching Tommy Cooper on TV.

Ultimately Under The Skin is undefinable, utterly unique (unless Captain America The Winter Soldier features a scene where Black Widow and Cap discuss the locations of Asda and Tesco) and completely unforgettable.

Like the title says, this film will get under the skin and stay with you forever.

5 stars

Need For Speed - review

It is always a risk for a genre movie to include a clip from another genre movie. It is an open invitation for comparison and the majority of the time they are not flattering.

In one of the opening scenes set in a Drive-In Movie Theater, the crowd are watching Bullitt, which features one of the most iconic car chases of all-time.

Need For Speed however features some of the slowest, most boring car chases of all-time. Based on a series of video games, the filmmakers were aiming for something as fast and exciting as a PS4 but ended up with a film as basic and clunky as a Commodore 64.

One of Aaron Paul's crew flies helicopters and planes to keep a birds eye view on the action and constantly refers to himself as Maverick but unlike Top Gun, I don't feel the need, the Need For Speed.

Fast and Furious? More like Slow and Tedious!

1 star

Escape From Planet Earth - review

There is a growing trend in movies that technological advances such as mobile phones and the internet are being attributed to alien species. See The Network in The World's End and a group of aliens forced to work in Area 51 in Escape From Planet Earth.

They might be able to create the iPhone or Facebook but its a shame that they cannot create any new or interesting ideas for this animated film which grows increasingly tired and formulaic as it goes on.

The alien/human juxtaposition has been frequently used in kids animation over the last few years in the likes of Planet 51 and Monsters vs Aliens and even the family sub plot that sees the geeky techie older brother having to rescue the macho heroic older brother brings nothing new to the table.

The vocal cast are bland and add little to their characters. So much in fact you may not realise that actors like Brendan Fraser, Jessica Alba and Sarah Jessica Parker were in it till the end credits.

There is nothing in this movie to hold the attention of adults in the audience who may find the whole experience as bum-numbing as an alien probe.

Escape From Planet Earth? You'll wish it was still locked up in Area 51.

1 star

P.S. if anyone can tell me why a very specific musical cue and visual gag from The Artist was used in a sci-fi alien animation, answers on a postcard please.

300: Rise Of An Empire - review

In history, the legend of the 300 who fought at the battle of Thermopylae was the spark that united the Greek Empire against Xerxes's Persian Army.

In Hollywood, 300 was the spark that ignited the careers of Gerard Butler as a leading man, director Zack Synder and his love of slow motion and a general feeling of inadequacy from male cinemagoers when confronted by 300 sets of perfect abs!

Prequel/Running Concurrently/Sequel 300: Rise Of An Empire was always going to be a difficult film to name. 301? No. 300 2: The Empire Strikes Back? No. 300: Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger? Maybe. 300 On A Boat? Perfect.

This film follows Athenian Themistokles as he takes his selection of over-oiled and under-dressed warriors to the seas to fight against the Persian Armada led by Armetesia.

The entire film can be summed up by paraphrasing these lyrics from the band Lonely Island.

"We're on a boat (we're on a boat)
We're on a boat (we're on a boat)
Everybody look at us cause we're fighting on a boat!
We're on a boat (we're on a boat)
We're on a boat
Take a long hard look at these motherf*cking boats!

We're on a boat and, it's going fast and
It's a nautical themed 300 fight plan
We're the kings of the world, on a boat like Leo
If you're on the shore, then you're sho not me-oh!"

While the first one wanted to be a serious action movie that happened to be the most homoerotic film since Top Gun, this sequel embraces the campiness and plays the whole thing with a knowing wink to the audience. Just witness Thermistokles reaction when he is asked how his meeting with Artemesia went.

The slow motion and digital blood are dialled up to 11 to pacify those who came for the action but anyone looking for award-winning dialogue should look elsewhere with such gems as "He had the stink of destiny", "Shut your cockhole", "Have you come to stroke your cock watching real men?" and "You fight harder than you f*ck" are uttered over the course of battle.

Are there 300 reasons to watch Rise Of An Empire? No, in fact there is only one... Eva Green.

Green's performance as the scorned Grecian Armetesia who seeks revenge as leader of the Persian Navy is SO crazed, demented and OTT that she towers over the entire cast including the 10 foot tall God King Xerxes. Equally comfortable killing soldiers who fail her in battle, manipulating Xerxes for her own ends, seducing Thermistokles or fighting him in sword to sword combat, it is a truly ferocious turn that will go down in legends of its own in terms of scenery chewing and scene stealing.

Will it be as big a smash as the original 300? No. The only things being smashed in this Greek tragedy will be the plates down the local taverna.

2 stars? it certainly doesn't deserve 300!

Ride Along - review

Given this basic story outline of "Kevin Hart plays a high school security guard (and hardcore gamer) who dreams of joining the police academy and gets taken on a Ride Along by his girlfriend's cop brother Ice Cube in order to prove he is worthy of her", I believe that even the most casual of moviegoers would be able to provide a detailed plot breakdown of the film as it is one of the most generic, cliched genre mismatched buddy cop movies ever conceived.

For example:

After figuring out he has been given all the stupid cases in order to discourage him, will Hart go into a real hostage situation acting all tough because he believes it to be fake? You betcha.

Will it be a surprise when certain other cops turn out to be working for the bad guy? No.

Would it shock you to find out that Hart is able to use his experience of playing military video games in a real gunfight? Of course not.

Ice Cube is working on a case searching for a crime lord that nobody knows what they look like except for a photo of a young Laurence Fishburne. So given that his name is in the credits, is there good chance that he will turn up at some point? Yes.

With numerous references to it throughout the film, Ride Along wishes it was in the same league as Training Day but instead the training wheels come off this film fast and it falls as short as its diminutive lead actor in just about every department.

1 star

The Grand Budapest Hotel - Trip Advisor review

"Wes Anderson's new hotel is very Grand"

*****

User: Dallas King

"My girlfriend and I booked ourselves in for a 100 minute stay at The Grand Budapest Hotel on Sunday 2nd March and were among the first to visit the hotel now it was open to the public following its grand opening in Berlin and Glasgow.

The hotel was incredibly busy with guests but we were provided with an excellent room that gave us a wonderful view of the entire place.

While the initial areas felt slightly drab and reminiscent of the Overlook Hotel, they soon gave way to the beautiful and memorably bright pink decor that will become synonymous with this location which was made all the more stunning by the Academy ratio it was presented in.

The entire staff at the hotel were of a very high standard, from the silent owner down to the junior lobby boy. Even the hotel lawyer was excellent although he disappeared during our stay after some trouble with his cat. I hope he's ok.

If I were to single out a particular member of staff, I would like to praise the efforts of the concierge Gustave H. who was simply charming, hilarious and smelt divine and made our stay an absolute delight.

If you are staying here I highly recommend a trip down to the local town of Zubrowka to sample some of its many delights including skiing, a local monastery and Mendl's bakery which has some heavenly cakes.

Sadly our visit was over before we knew it so we are already planning our next trip and would highly recommend The Grand Budapest Hotel looking for a fun cinematic vacation this year.

P.S. Check out the beautiful painting behind the concierge desk called Boy With Apple."

5 stars