Only Lovers Left Alive - review

In spite of the constant thirst for blood and aversion to things like sunlight and garlic, there has always been something quite sensual and romantic about being a vampire.

An ability to appeal to the opposite sex, never growing old, eternal life, etc and let's face it, despite what Queen might have said, who wouldn't want to live forever?

But what exactly would vampires do with an eternity on earth?

Only Lovers Left Alive provides one possible answer to that question. They'd get bored!

Adam (Tom Hiddleston) is a Kurt Cobain-esque Gothic rocker recluse hiding away from the outside world in an old house in Detroit.

Eve (Tilda Swinton) is living in Tangiers, reading and hanging out in Souk bars with Kit Marlowe played by John Hurt.

Both are vampires and more importantly, husband and wife.

Were they the first of their kind? Unclear. As is the reason they live on opposite sides of the world. Perhaps they are just like any other couple and after centuries of being together they needed some time apart from each other.

And they have been around for centuries, that much is clear and even though they have spent that time cultivating knowledge of science, nature and the arts, Adam has grown tired of of the apathy of the "zombies" who inhabit the earth now, unable to appreciate the world and its cultural wonders.

So as he ponders a game of Russian Roulette with a wooden bullet, Eve hops on the next overnight flight to Detroit to pull him out of his slump.

Looking for a plot? There isn't one to be found here. This isn't a film about action or change, after all vampires don't.

This is a film about existence.

There is a melancholic scene where Adam describes to Eve how a giant theatre used to play concerts to thousands of people but now is crumbling and abandoned and nothing more than a car park.

Civilisations have come and gone and they are the only constant in each other's life.

It's a rather unique take on the mythology in how it showcases the normalcy of being a vampire.

Vampires might be allergic to sunlight and drink blood instead of red wine but there still human. They have family issues. They can hold a grudge, "Are you still made about that? It was 87 years ago." and they moan about having to get up out of bed to feed.

Here the vampires feast on blood taken from hospitals not because they have turned "vegetarian" like those who "sparkle", or dislike killing but because they are worried about the purity of the source, disdainful of the diseases and drugs that the "zombies" Adam refers to pollute their bodies with.

Rather ironic since they treat it more like a drug than food, feeling a euphoric high after every hit.

This is just a drop from the rich vein of dark humour running throughout the film, such as Jeffrey Wright's various nicknames for Adam dressed in a Doctor's outfit (Faust, Strangelove, Caligari) and the hints at the influence of vampires over such artistic legends like Wilde, Shakespeare, etc that appear on a wall of fame.

Many of the film's biggest laughs come from the unwelcome arrival of Eva (Wasikowska), Eve's "sister", the closest the film comes to having a Deus Ex Machina, injecting some (after)life into proceedings.

The script's wit is as razor sharp as their teeth and dripping with deadpan delivery by Hiddleston and Swinton who are both able to hint at the old souls behind the young eyes of these eternal creatures of the night.

Shot with an ethereal beauty and a killer soundtrack, it can easily stake a claim as the best vampire film since Let The Right One In.

4 stars

Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit - review

Not content with playing a new version of Captain Kirk, Chris Pine steps into the shoes previously worn by Alec Baldwin, Harrison Ford and Ben Affleck in this full system reboot of the Jack Ryan franchise... even if this is the first one to feature his name in the title.

Would the casual cinemagoer actually be able to tell you that The Hunt For Red October, Patriot Games, Clear and Present Danger and The Sum Of All Fears were all linked by the same character?

Quick as a flash we speed through John Patrick Ryan's, Jack to his friends, backstory:

A shot of him at London School of Economics tells us he is smart.

Seeing him watch 9/11 on TV and a guy saying "hey, you're American. Sorry man" tells us he's American.

We then cut to a military helicopter in Afghanistan to tell us he is a soldier.

The copter is then attacked and we see him on a stretcher. He is hurt but a hero.

Character building on the most economical of scales.

He recovers in hospital where a date with Keira Knightley is used as an incentive to heal. Some might prefer to stay in a wheelchair! Bazinga!

He is also recruited by Kevin Costner to the CIA to work on Wall Street to follow the money and find potential terrorist groups.

Before you can say "America. F*ck Yeah!", Cut to ten years later and Ryan uncovers a plot by some stereotypical 80s bad guy Russians led by heavily accented Kenneth Branagh (pulling double duty as director too) to launch a terrorist attack on the US and then sell huge reserves of dollars to crush the economy.

Follow that? That's the simplified version that Costner asks Ryan to explain the plot to him (and the audience) in layman terms.

So in the words of Team America: World Police:

"From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.N.C.E has gathered, it would be 9/11 times 100.
9/11 times a hundred? Jesus, that's...
Yes, 91,100."

Cue Jack Ryan becoming a fully operational agent which involves him:

having the bathroom fight scene from Casino Royale

several scenes of his girlfriend thinking he is having an affair because he is off doing spy shit before breaking the oath he took when joining the CIA to tell her the truth, which obviously then gets her into immediate danger

the needing to download files from the bad guy's office while his girlfriend distracts him over dinner scene from a Mission Impossible movie

ending with the race against time to find and diffuse a bomb from "EVERY action movie ever made"

Can't say I'm looking forward to the sequel where he must rescue Keira and their newborn child in Jack Ryan's Daughter.

2 stars

Grudge Match - review

We've all had those arguments as film fans where we discuss who would win in a fight: an Alien or a Predator, Superman or Incredible Hulk, etc.

In most cases (AVP aside), these debates remain an unquantifiable fantasy yet the makers of Grudge Match have decided to answer the question that not many film fans would have been asking... who would win in a fight between an old Rocky Balboa and an old Jake La Motta?

That's right. Grudge Match is Rocky versus Raging Bull.

The result? Raging Bullshit!

To quote the tagline from that other cinematic showdown Alien vs Predator, "Whoever wins. We lose."

Before we can shout "Sly, get in the ring already. Bobby De Niro's waiting" and find out who wins, you have to first sit through 100 minutes of badly CGI'd young versions of Sly and Bob, lots of jokes about old people, poor spoofs on the training montages, desperate reconnections with old girlfriends and a son who calls himself BJ.

Yes, that is correct. A guy named Bradley James (played by Jon Berthnal) actively calls himself BJ. Cue lots of jokes and sniggering plus an inability to take the character seriously.

The fight footage is not bad, with it looking like both actors did a fair amount of the actual work, which saves it from a technical knock out but if this was a proper boxing match, someone would have thrown in the towel by now.

2 stars

August: Osage County - review

We've all probably had a family dinner like the one that is the centrepiece of August: Osage County.

Arguments as heated as the roast potatoes, secrets are revealed, dirty laundry is aired, a ruined dish here, spilt drink, spilt blood there, etc, etc.

All bets are off as the Weston family spectacularly implodes over the funeral dinner that brought them all back together.

Based on the play by Tracy Letts (who also wrote Killer Joe); the story, action and resulting fallout take place over a few days however I feel that if it had all taken place in the space of a couple of hours over dinner, then this could have been a great film.

Unfortunately it doesn't really come to life until this moment (ironic being that it is a death that causes this) and then fails to recapture that magic later on (although Julia Roberts does here best with a foul-mouthed tirade about eating the "f*cking fish bitch!").

No mistake about it, this film is all about the Weston Girls (played by Streep, Roberts, Lewis, Nicholson and Martindale), and people claim there are no good roles for women out there. I have no doubt that this particular film would pass the Bechdel Test multiple times over.

Don't get me wrong, they do talk about men but it ain't pretty. Men do not come off well in this story. At all! One dies, one has cheated on his wife, one is possibly slightly mentally retarded and another is a potential drug-taking paedophile.

Each man is there as a plot point or way for Meryl Streep's matriarch Violet to pour scorn on her daughters, which leads to the ultimate showdown between herself and eldest daughter Barb (Roberts).

It is here that Roberts comes into her own, going toe to toe with Streep and delivering an excellent performance which will leave us all asking the same question: are we destined to turn into our parents or can we change our fate?

August, with a mouth-watering buffet of talent on offer might make it seem like a Michelin-star feast awaits yet with some meaty turns on show here it will ultimately leave you slightly in satisfied and hungry for more.

3 stars

P.S. this may seem incredibly harsh given the reasons for her character's appearance but I could not get this image out of my mind after Streep's first appeared on screen...

Inside Llewyn Davis - review

It's been six years since the Coen Brothers topped the charts with No Country For Old Men. Since then they have failed to recapture that magic.

Burn After Reading split opinion. A Serious Man alienated and confused the casual fans and a cover version of country hit True Grit had commercial success even if some of the lyrics were difficult to understand.

However the Coens are back to their best with an ode to the folk music scene of Sixties Greenwich Village.

Recruiting Llewyn Davis for lead vocals was an interesting choice. Originally part of a successful double act, one might worry he couldn't handle the pressure of carrying the show but his voice has a rawness and melancholy that draws the listener in.

His songs tell a story of the pressures of conformity, the price of fame and the journey one takes to truly find themselves and their place within the music scene.

One fears that Llewyn might be trapped in an ever repeating circle of failure and obscurity but this album will stand the test of time and he'll be remembered as an artist who deserved greater success (Oscar, I'm looking at you).

Davis was part of a scene that was rich with unique characters. Some producers might question the need for all these quirky character collaborations throughout the album but that is what the Coens do so well and they leave their stamp on the production that you can instantly tell who made it.

Stand out tracks include:

Please Mr. Kennedy by Jim, Llewyn Davis & Al Cody

"Where's his scrotum?!" by Lillian & Ulysses the Cat

Chicago Road Trip by Llewyn featuring Roland Turner, Johnny Five & Ulysses

Inside Llewyn Davis, like the album of said name, might not be to everyone's taste but those who appreciate its quirks and charms will find a 4 star album filled with the odd 5 star song destined to be on repeat for many years to come.

4 stars

Devil's Due - review

Right, I already touched upon this in my review of Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones, but what really grinds my gears at the moment are these horror films which are filmed and marketed as "found footage" yet have no framing device.

The Blair Witch Project worked because it was presented as pieced together video footage of three people who disappeared.

Cloverfield worked because the camcorder footage was classified as government evidence of the attack on New York City.

Nowadays, we just get launched into these films where some idiot spends too much time documenting everything on their brand new HD camera instead of turning it off and actually trying to solve the mystery or just get the f*ck out of dodge.

This one is even worse but it goes from the couple's video diary of their wedding, honeymoon and unexpected pregnancy to cutting between that, surveillance cameras a mysterious cult have set up in their home and random clips from a other couples camcorders that hint at other gruesome events.

What is the purpose of these editing choices if it is not a found footage document of the event? There is none as far as I can tell. This sub-genre of horror really needs to go the way of Betamax and disappear quickly.

Oh, what about the film itself? Crap. A poor, lazy retread of Rosemary's Baby for the modern generation with forgettable characters, distinct lack of scares, chills and menace and is as unwanted an addition to the horror genre as the resulting pregnancy was to the main characters.

1 star

The Wolf Of Wall Street - review

Wall Street, Rogue Trader, American Psycho, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, the news in general.
It would be fair to say that cinema hasn't painted the most flattering of pictures when it comes to bankers and traders and just when you thought it was safe to go back in the trading floor, along comes Scorsese's blistering biopic of Jordan Belfort aka The Wolf Of Wall Street.

Belfort made millions of dollars through selling dodgy penny stocks to wealthy people and pocketing the commission amongst other securities frauds. At least I think that's what he did. It's all financial mumbo-jumbo to most people and Belfort even breaks the fourth wall to tell the audience he's not going to bother explaining what he's doing as they'll never follow it anyway.

Besides this film is not concerned with exactly how he made his fortune but what he did with it once he got it.

This is a movie that is all about excess as Belfort and his cronies indulge in a copious amount of sex, drugs and a MPAA record-breaking number of F-Bombs.

Some have complained that the film glamorises Belfort and his lifestyle but it is the same as Trainspotting in that it is important to show the highs (why people become addicted to this lifestyle) in order to sell the lows and inevitable downfall.

This is a movie about sales and the entire cast sell the hell out of their roles.

McConaughey shines in an early scene imparting advice onto DiCaprio's Wall Street newbie, setting the tone for the rest of the film. Australian Margot Robbie delivers a flawless New Yoik accent, Jonah Hill is more than just teeth and tantrums and there is an entire portfolio of juicy cameos including Jean Dujardin, Rob Reiner and Joanna Lumley!

Yet this is Leonardo DiCaprio's film. With shades of the Goodfellas Henry Hill voiceover, DiCaprio is our (potentially unreliable) narrator on this career-best descent into quick cash and quaaludes. He is as comfortable charming his clients out of there money as he is a woman out of her panties, offering up the perfect amount of sleaze to seduce and repel us at the same time.

What is surprising though is how good DiCaprio is at comedy. Although not an out-and-out comedy film, it is funnier than most mainstream comedies of the last couple of years and in one hysterical sequence of physical comedy, Leo has to shuffle and scrape his way along the floor of a country club to get to his car after vintage quaaludes kick in.

Like Belfort after taking a Popeye-sized hit of cocaine, it feels like Martin Scorsese is firing on all cylinders, giving us a film with more energy and balls than filmmakers half his age. All while delivering a 179 minute long opus that feels like 90 minutes.

Leo was once rumoured to play Patrick Bateman in American Psycho but Belfort is just the type of Paul Allen, Grade A Douchebag that Bateman would take an axe to. He lies, cheats and steals. Buys into his own hype after being called "The Wolf Of Wall Street" after his first wife tells him there is no such thing as bad publicity and there is no thought or remorse shown for his victims. Why not? Because he probably didn't have any. This is a man who sold out his own friends to reduce his own sentence.

For those people that claim the movie glamorises Belfort, if you come out of this film wanting to be like him, you are probably already a complete and total banker.

Wall Street said "Greed is good" but Wolf Of Wall Street would say that "Greed is Motherf*cking Great!". It's lewd, rude and crude, un-PC and offensive and I for one fell for Scorsese's sales pitch and enjoyed every minute of it. I'm investing all my cash in Marty and Leo's next project.

5 stars